The first snowfall

I've had the most incredible morning of my life today.

It was 4:41 AM, and I was woken up by my mother, an eager voice she had. She impatiently rushed me downstairs as I was still half asleep and she opens the front door; today, I've finally witnessed the moment I've been longing to experience in my whole entire life - the first snowfall. It was the first time I've had ever seen snow. I live in a place where it snows only when God decides to physically show himself. I've never felt so happy in my life. The ironic thing was that I shared this ecstatic moment with the woman I've resented for as long as I can remember - my mom. Being that I was still extremely tired, this moment only lasted for a minute or two, but it was the longest minute(s) of my life. Despite my exhaustion, I still pondered a million things within seconds. I stared at her, sticking her head out the door, her face lit with such a delightful expression, as well as mine, watching the luminous, tiny specks of snow fall so gracefully from the sky. It was amazing. I saw the reflection in my mom's eyes as I gazed back at her, glistening as she was still smiling. It made me happy, to finally see her true self. I'm tired of hearing her menopause self nagging everyday, and finally she's in a great mood. I went back upstairs and crawled back in bed, warm and cozy. I woke up two hours later and I went outside to enjoy myself when I realized the snow didn't leave me yet. I spun in ballerina poses as I hopped along the cold atmosphere here and there, not being able to keep still. My hands were freezing, but I didn't want to stop. It was just as I pictured. Oh, how I love the snow. I told myself today was going to be a great day. I'm going to be happy and nothing or no one is going to stop me from having a wonderful day. BOMP! Finals. Anyway, the snow unfortunately stopped approximately around 9 AM, maybe a little before, which depressed me because I was looking forward to play in it the whole day, but I have to keep in mind, I DO live in the south - unfortunately. I wanted to take a picture of the insane snowman that was down the street from me some kids built, but I was already on my way. By the time I came back, it was already melted even if the weather was still as cold. I figured it would be cold enough to keep ol' Jack Frost alive, but apparently I don't quite comprehend with the mechanics of science. My hopes were still high, wishing it would soon again snow, and hopefully it will. I didn't get to make a snowman, but the next time it'll be the first thing I do, perhaps snowangels? I'm still so excited although it is already the end of the day, but I must say again, snow is amazingly wonderful! Please come soon, my fluffy friend of frozen specks!

3 more days

Three more days until November the first. It's been almost six years, Dad. It's actually been that long, but my memories, as well as Lily's, are still fresh. I'm all grown up now, Dad, and I'm sorry. I hope you smile when I say that I'm finally moving on from your death, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, also. Don't get me wrong, I didn't forget you, and I never will, but I'm sorry that I barely visit your grave anymore. I would if I could, visit you every single day, but I can't. It's selfish on my part to say, it's not like I can't visit you often, if not everyday, but I feel that it's best if I don't. I don't want to keep looking back receiving flashbacks constantly as I kneel in front of your grave. I'm tired of crying. I still remember the last night I ever got to visit you at your house which was with Lily and Misty. As they were washing the dishes, I walked over to sit with you in the living room. It killed me when I looked up to see you crying. I never.. saw you cry before..
"Daddy, why are you crying?"
"I don't wanna die.. I don't wanna die and leave my kids.."
My eyes were clogging up with tears the moment you said that.
"Don't talk like that.. you're not gonna die.. you're not gonna die.."
My memory is still clear as ever when it comes to you. From the times when I'd have my left feet on your right, and my right feet on your left, clinging onto your waist as you walk, all of those piggy back rides, picnics, swings at the park, getting my very first pet rabbit, sleeping with you when I'm scared of ghosts and monsters, buying a new toy everytime I got to visit you, you pwning me in tennis, "purple power," waking up to a cup of hot chocolate made for me every morning, sweet as ever, it's all gone now. Why did you have to be sick? I watched you worked yourself out til the break of dawn while you were sick. You would never sit down, having in mind you can die any second. You're really my inspiration, Dad. You didn't let your sickness stop you from doing heavy labor, or anything, you just kept moving forward until you couldn't anymore. So many years I have been told it wasn't, but I feel like it was kind of my fault for your death. Even if it wasn't my fault, dad, why do I feel so burdened with this whole situation? Can anyone explain to me? Was this the reason you asked me to move in with you? Because you knew you were going to die and leave me? No, I should've moved in sooner, before you were even sick. Maybe if I did, it would've never been this way. It was all you ever wanted, all you ever asked of me besides to make good grades in school. I should've. I was so selfish, I'm so sorry. I always thought about myself, having friends, all of that sort. To be honest, I didn't want to move in with you because your house was a bit scarey, and there were no one to play with in your neighborhood. I'd be by myself all the time because you'll always be at work. I shouldn't have even thought about those things, just as long as it would've meant that you'd still be here today. I'm so stupid. How did you even get sick? I've never seen a man so healthy and athletic. It still makes me sad to think about the very last day I ever saw you.. alive. It was still daylight. UMC, the room on the right straight down from the waiting room. Doctors here, doctors there. You were lying there as if you weren't in pain. The conversation was short, but thank God I told you I love you and gave you a kiss before I left. Walking towards the door, I looked back to see you crying, and I told you "bye" as you returned it back, and "bye" is where we ended it. Did you know that's the reason I never tell people "bye" anymore? Maybe it was a coincidence. It doesn't matter anymore, I can't say what if in any situation, you're already gone. I'm done looking back. Whatever I do, and where ever I go, just know I'll always be thinking of you. Even if I don't visit your grave often, I realized I don't have to visit your grave to visit you, you're always with me, watching over me, who knows, maybe right beside me. I'll never forget you, and I'll always love you. I can't blame you for my troubles today anymore. You did nothing wrong to me. I'm sad you left me, left all of us, but I can't point my fingers in your direction anymore. I'm sorry. It's been my own fault. I was contemplating on whether or not if I should visit your grave in three days. I decided that I won't. Anyways, guess what? I talked to grandma the other day. I don't get to talk to her whenever I want to, and neither does she. She makes me cry too much. She brings you up all the time. Her and uncle wants me to move there to run his hotel, but I don't wanna do it, Dad, I really don't, but I don't wanna upset them. I told grandma I'm gonna get super rich somehow and bring her back to America and have her live with me so I can take care of her. I hate how she cries over Boi and Linda. She keeps saying that they don't love her and that they won't talk to her. I told her that she shouldn't care over them, that I'll love her for them, and when they don't talk to her, I'll talk to her for them. I really miss her, Dad. She's getting really old. She can't walk at the moment. I don't know what to do, much less what to say to her. It really makes me sad that I'm not able to see her whenever I want. I hope that when I am able to visit her, it's not too late, if you know what I mean. I mean, she's really.. really old. Take care of her, dad. Give her alot of your super strength since you don't need to use it physically anymore. I don't want her to die on me, not yet. My dear grandma, if you could just wait a little longer, I'll be there. I'll be there and I'll bring you back, I will. For the times you can't walk, I'll carry you, when you're hungry, I'll feed you, and when you're lonely, I'll be here for you to talk to. Please wait for me.

Winter illness

Why, good morning :) I slept at 8 last night and woke up at 6. The morning skies are luminous. Apparently, I have bronchitis - again. Do you know what I love about being sick in the winter? My senses. My sinuses are clogged, and I know the feeling is annoying, but it can be looked at in a positive outlook. I cannot smell the badness that lingers around my atmosphere, but when time comes to smell something of nice fragrence, I can just get a whiff of my own imagination. My voice sounds funny, but at least I can hear myself speak and know what I'm saying unlike those who like to say things and don't realize what they're talking about. My throat is horrible, but I when I take a big gulp, I make sure I notice every bit that comes along my way. My mouth feels a bit numb, but it is not tasteless. Actually, everything I eat or drink tastes more yummier. I appreciate the sweet taste of hot chocolating running through my body as I sip on it during early mornings. Morning coffee would be the word, but I can't drink that, it makes me extremely tired. What I love best is waking up in the cold weather, not wanting to get out of bed, wrapped and snuggled in my blanket like a burrito. Everything I feel is extra texture-ree. I love itt. As for the inflammation of my bronchial, now that just sucks LOLLLLOLOLOL. I hate coughing every now and then, but who likes it? I think after a good night rest, I recovered a bit from my horrible day yesterday.

Bittersweet lemonade

"I know sometimes it's gonna rain."
-Neyo

(Looking at the time; it was eight P.M.) - "Since when did YOU go to sleep EARLY?" asks Bou. Since when did I sleep early? Since the day I slowly became pointlessly restless. Since the day I found myself waiting for the calls I know I'll never get. Since the day I realized I was holding on to something that wasn't there anymore. Since the day my call logs became empty. Since the day I no longer received any corny text messages. Since when I did I sleep early.. Since the day I had no other choice to but to face reality. What was I thinking? Did I really think that you and I could be together for so long knowing we're nothing but impatient human beings deep inside? I remember the first time we actually became companions. I remember we had this arguement over the existence of forever. I still stick with my answer. Forever isn't real, it doesn't exist. In the end, although I know it will never happen, I always like to think there can be a forever. For whatever matter forever will use itself upon, I will smile at it knowing you were once right about something. Everytime we did argue, admit it, I was always right. Once you even said the reason we would stop talking will be because of me, but in the aftermath, everything was all you. Everything you ever did say, turned out to be the exact opposite. Do you finally get my logic? Can you finally look past me and see my solidness? Well, rhetorical questions are pretty much useless at this point. Everything I think or wonder now is completley pointless. I don't know why I waste my time thinking of what could've been, but I do it. I wish I would stop, but I won't. Why? My own mind is baffling me into some kind of trickery; like some kind of maze I can't figure out. I thought I was supposed to have control over my own mind, but obviously, this subject is a little overbearing. I hate it. The smallest things remind me of you no matter what situation I'm caught up on, as focused as I am. I hate it. I hear people saying things that brings up our many inside jokes that sticks in my head everyday. I hate it. Our late night and early morning conversations replay in my head like I have a song on repeat, becoming my favorite piece of music. I hate it. I sleep with my television off at night breaking out of my scared-to-sleep-in-the-dark habit because I was so use to your comfort before I go to bed. My smiles and laughter can quickly turn into frowns when I hear or see something that reminds me of you. When I eat, I giggle and tear up at the same time thinking about silly things you would say when one of us would eat. I catch myself drinking lemonade often and it reminds me of you because I thought it was weird how we both liked lemonade at that time. When things were finally becoming better for me, you come around like nothing happened. You leave me with false hopes all over again in hope for your future phone calls. Sometimes I think you're doing that on purpose, then again why would you waste your time. There's so many things I don't understand, and I shouldn't care to, but I do. I guess I overthink things too much. Lately, I've been wondering about your mysterious phone calls. You call me randomly unexpected and then you leave. Our conversations no longer make any sense and they're less than a minute. What is it? Do you still think of me these days like I do? Do you even miss me? Why do you call me? Am I just someone to keep your boredness occupied? What are you up to? My days are much quieter now that you're not around. I tried to get back on my social life, but it doesn't help much. I question myself too much about you.

I'm left with the taste of lemonade on my tounge and dreams of the winter we never had.

Hemingway

Earnest Hemingway was one of the greatest writers of our days. One day, he was challenged to write a story using only six words.

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

That was his story. I thought it was pretty damn catchy and it's one of the best stories I've ever read. For those of you who cannot figure out the meaning, I'm quite disappointed in you! Anyways, I really thought this was a very invigorating piece brought to my attention the other morning. Since then, other authors and writers have been trying to imitate this technique of writing, but I think they can't compare. I wanted to write one of my own, but none of the ones I've written seem to be as good. Motivation.

Hemingway, you're a genius. Here's mine:

"Reality; learn it, speak of it."

Well, although it isn't as great as his, I thought this perfectly fits a life story, afterall, I do mostly write about real life situations, elucidating on it, and observations of others - off subject, anyway. I really think reality is becoming to play a big part of my life at the moment. I'm finally waking up from some kind of calamity I never realized I was in, like some sort of coma. Well, my six-word story was an advice to everyone. Learn what's real and what's not, then deal with it. I'm finally able to keep my cool when something I don't cope well with hits me in the face. I think this blog was too long and pointless already over a small topic, although it should be a good thing, but I tend to talk really fast when I try to explain myself like this, haha.

The hummingbirds sing

Why, good morning beauties and beasts! I woke up quite early today. 7 A.M. was it? Anyway, I decided not to go back to sleep, not that could have, so I brushed my teeth and went downstairs. It wasn't new that my mom would be there up and going. I was considering going right back upstairs because I didn't want to hear any yelling or anything, but I didn't. To my surprise, we came off really good. I went outside to grab a gallon of water for my mom, and I look up to find a hummingbird fluttering around my garage. Another one flies near not too long after I seen the first one. They flew in circles and sang as I lightly watch them frolicing around my atmosphere. It was my second time ever seeing those little creatures. The first time I've ever seen one was with my dad. My dad loved planting, growing beautiful gardens of flowers and trees. Back then, seeing a hummingbird wasn't such a big deal. Since his death, my family has been going through so many issues with each other. It's not like things would have been good if he was alive now, since my parents were divorced since I was young, but it would have helped a little bit if he was here. Anyway, off subject - after seeing those hummingbirds this morning, I felt alot of peace and happiness. I know it's not like they hold magic beneath their wings or anything, but.. I felt like.. my dad paid me a little visit. I smiled and went back inside and spent quality time with my mom for about two good hours or so. Today I might go job hunting with her. I bet working with my mother would be really interesting. Anyway, so I was watching Mulan II over like five times because I was too lazy to change the DVD or find the remote to change the input. I swear I cried almost everytime I watched it when it comes to the part where Mulan and Shang went seperate ways near the Mongolian ambush, where at the end of the fight, one of the Mongolian cuts off the bridge and he lets go of Mulan's hand :( Although I know he's still alive, I still cried LOL.. I'm supposed to be working on a piano cover all weekend, hopefully my cousin come over with his guitar. My sister and her husband are coming back home tomorrow from Thailand or where ever they went. She better have brought me back some stuff from Japan and Thailand! JUST KIDDING LILY! I'M NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING.. -grins- Well, I'm excited she's coming home. I've missed her. I'm going to change the dvd, finally, and find something entertaining to watch. Hope you all have a lovely day, thanks for reading!

Fear

Topic inspired by an old teacher who previously passed on. R.I.P. Ms. Andrea Guerin.

One of the biggest questions next to the definition of love, what's the definition of fear?

fear: (noun)
"a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid." -dictionary.com

What EXACTLY is the purpose of fears? Why do we have them? Is it really necessary to fear? To me, fear itself is all so deceiving as if life itself wasn't cheating enough. I think it's ridiculous that we're able to fear the many things and people that surrounds us. Then again, if there was a world where people weren't so afraid of anything, the world would be pretty disastrous. We wouldn't be so scared to do this and that. I bet there are people who has the weirdest fantasies of destroying just about anything and everything, not to mention the situation between the Germans and the Jews. Being fearless can also be a good thing; in that case, if the Jews weren't so afraid of getting caught by the Germans, I bet they would have provoked the Nazis right back and many of them would have probably been safe and good to go. But anyway, as I was saying, fear gives us all a horrible conscience. The ability to fret over the smallest things or the biggest of a deal has caused us all to be so vulnerable in life. I think that fear holds us all back from a life we never had. As I stated how deceiving fear can be, I meant that I've noticed some people fear things they haven't tried or seen. How can you be so scared to do or try something when you have no idea how will turn out like?  It's all assumptions. I hate assumers. I wonder how it would have been if we were never revealed to recognize such a feeling. The only question that still lingers, is why does fear have to exist? Life would have been so much easier..

Bou went home just a while ago. As I'm sitting here alone, I'm thinking to myself how scared I'm going feel to know I'm close to dying. It must've been hard for Ms. Guerin to lie in the hospital for days, weeks, or months even not knowing what might happen. It brings me flashbacks to the tears that flowed down my father's face before he left me. All I know, is that I wish to never have that same expression on my own face that he once had. I've never felt so sad through another person in my life. It must've sucked for my dad to know he doesn't have much time left in life, to know he'll be leaving the people most important to him, to know he will never be able to eat his favorite foods, or hear his favorite music, or do the things he love to do ever again. I always told myself how I'll never be scared to face death, but the people around me are making it hard for me to keep my fearless attitude. I've never wanted live on so bad. To imagine myself in the depressing darkness of eternity unable to speak, unable to hear, unable to move, unable to feel ever again, has become the most saddest thoughts in my mind and will stick with me until the day I actually die. At the moment, I can only thank the sweet sound of myself still breathing.

McCain VS Obama

I bet McCain is going to win, because Hilary's on Obama's side after talking shit about him. Schemey white bitches, she's up to something D: OMG whore, I bet she seduced him and he's suddenly willing to do anything she says. If anything, I should be president. This whole seven years shit with Iraq is becoming RIDICULOUS. Bush just wants his ugly monkey ass in the history books in schools and what not; well, NO ONE CARES. If Iraqians want to hide weapons and shit, then let them. Soukanya and I had a debate over the issues about Iraq at work today. I say bomb the fucking country and get that shit over with, I mean, they're all ugly people anyway. I say leave the good looking people on earth  Then again, I'd be pretty lonely....... LOLOLOLOLOL. I'm in love with a stripper.

Love? (post for Phon)

"Love"

Inspired by Phon

You know what? Who am I to be telling people what love is? I told myself I don't even believe in love, not anymore. After my last relationship, I began to think "love" isn't really a feeling. I came to a conclusion that love is like a substitute word to express one's feelings of ALL KINDS of feelings that's put into one. You miss them, wanna talk to them, can't help but to think of them, etc. etc., and love is just one word to sum it all up. It's really not a bad idea or conclusion, either. I don't think it's anything to believe in, it's not God or something. everyone has their own definition for this word, their own beliefs, their own perspective. After someone kept repeating to me "you don't believe in love," I thought about it. There's nothing to believe in. It's either you feel like you feel it, or you don't. The phrase, "you're too young to fall in love-" bullshit. Going through shit I've gone through, you're never too young for anything. It might be a little drastic, but you're never too young.

Don't get me wrong, there are many people who say it just to say it, like those elementary kids, but that doesn't count o_o Anyway, I'm gonna pause right here and answer your questions, Phon:

a) when ur down and you hear that person vioce it makes you happy what does that mean ?

b) when you can't stop thinking about the person and it makes you pick up the fone and call what does that mean ?

c) is it love ? or what ? because i know love hurts but dam is it suppose to be this fucked up ?!

a - Haha honestly, I think that's a ridiculous question to ask, but it's self explanatory, hearing his voice makes you happy, of course, lol

b - Anxiety? You think of him all day and if anyone calls out of the blue you automatically expects it to be him, right? Haha a little excited :P That's going to happen quite a few times xD

c - This is interesting. I believe that if you really do love someone, you don't even have to think twice. It's either you do or you don't, but you know you do if you're sure without questioning. Love doesn't hurt, you hurt. Love is just an verb or an adjective if you use it in my term (description of feelings, etc.). I don't think "love" can be "fucked up." The feeling takes over and makes you do crazy things, but the word itself never does anything to you. It's your own problem if you're in the situation you're in. Everything depends on your actions and your words as well as your significant other. Don't abuse the word like that.


For myself,

"Mr. Right"

I only call him that because I don't know his first name.. LOL. No, just kidding. Anyways - lately I have been conversing with a particular someone. At first, it was all fun and games; at least I thought it was.. I know I said I'd quit fooling around with guys for a while, but for some reason he's caught my attention. I'm a kind of person who is up for anything, but for some reason, I'm feeling scared. I like to say what comes, comes, what goes, goes, whatever happens, happens. I usually let whatever floats my boat go by, but now, it's like I know I can't adjust the wind, but I'm willing to adjust the sail. I hate the fact that my ability to feel is becoming more vulnerable each day. I was able to block them out and walk away, but I can't ignore the fact that I just fell for a stranger. I hate the way some people can completely take over my own emotions, but it's not like he's purposely trying to manipulate my feelings. I feel completely powerless when it comes to him. I feel like such a jerk. I treat him so horrible yet he's being a little angel, I hate it. Why in the hell would someone be so nice to me?! Anywho, it didn't take me awhile at all to realize that thoughts of him takes up my whole day. In the end, I can't complain about any of this. For the first time in a long time, I think I'm finally happy. Content, satisfied at least; some kind of giddy feeling that makes me wanna sing lalala all day  I couldn't be more thankful. My stress, my worries, they don't matter anymore. P.S. thank you, for everything.

Well, I just returned from Texas- actually, Shreveport. On the way home from Texas, my parents decided they wanted to go to Horseshoe (a casino in Shreveport). I stayed over at my stepsister's house with her boyfriend, Charlie while she took my parents there. What a night. Texas was.. not what I expected? All my plans were ruined. Thanks to my family wanting to leave late, I didn't get to do the things I wanted with my friends. Also, most of them had work *coughAMYcough*. I walked back and forth all night when I got to the temple for New Years. Unexpectedly ran into one of my exes. It was an unpleasant feeling. I've forgotten everything in my past, and there my past was, standing right behind me. I had so much anger and tension towards him not knowing or remembering why, yet, I couldn't leave him alone. I made new plans, and unfortunately they were supposed to be with him before I left, but he just made things worse. Once again, I had my hopes high just for them to be brought right back down. I felt like an emotional wreck, but did not dare to cry; not like I could have even if I tried. We were supposed to leave Texas at 2 PM, but plans changed, once again. Went back to the house in Keller and the oldies ate and laughed while I locked my sick self in the truck waiting for the sun to shine through the freezing cold. It was odd. I'm the type who enjoys the cold weather but for some reason I was yearning for the heat to hit me. I napped for hours and woke up to realize we still haven't left Texas yet. Pity. We finally left around 6 PM. We made it back to Louisiana around 9ish I think. I could not stand the fact that I didn't bring any cds to listen to because I wasn't able to find one good radio station. One thing I must compliment, is the architecture; astounding. The best part about my trip was probably reuniting with one of my childhood bestfriends, Amy. I also met Thy Thy and Lilian whom I've known for years, yet never met until this weekend; lovely ladies. I didn't get to spend much time with either of them. Shreveport - For some reason, when we stopped by the Circle K near Horseshoe (the casino), I couldn't stop but to think how nice the employee was. I didn't expect for Shreveport to look so.. ghetto? ..if you catch my drift. My turn in line. Although it was a small talk, I couldn't help but to say, "Man, she is.. nice.. ..for a person who works at the gas station.." I kept thinking about her. It's not everyday I meet someone like that. Anyway, I got to the house and had a small chat here and there with Charlie then I found myself questioning my feelings to someone else. It's sad that I had to ask someone else to find out how I felt. After I cleared my head, I was knocked out. I woke up around 6 something in the morning preparing to head back to my town. I felt even more miserable with all the shit that was thrown into my face all at once and on top of that, being even sicker than I was the night before. Something went wrong with my right arm since I left Texas, and it's been bothering me ever since. I slept the trip home and here I am, laying here like a bum eating junk food. The best thing I love about road trips, are the stops that I take at gas stations restocking up on my junk food.