It seems that all I've been wanting lately is a new beginning. I'm never satisfied. After so many big sucky events in my life, all I want to do is start over and forget everything in the past.
As a filler, I guess I'll sum up everything and then go from there.
This year went by pretty fast. Basically, I lost my bestfriends, all of my friends, rather. I've been feeling like the third and fifth wheel, maybe even the seventh. I don't know whether it's me overreacting, or them oversucking. I've been constantly ditched and neglected, but maybe it's me whos been thinking too much over situations. It was me who pushed them all away and it's me who misses them, but this time I won't bother going back because the same things will just keep happening. They were never too considerate of my feelings, although amongst the group, I seem to be the most bitter, most blunt, and mose careless. Still, I'm also as human as they are. These days, though, I feel like I'm better off. There are some times where I wanna run to them to giggle and gossip as girlfriends about the things we just can't tell anyone else because it's uncomfortable and no one else would understand, but then again it's not worth rekindling our friendships for that small part of sensation just to be fighting again in the end.
Last night my sister, Lily, told me that one of my exbestfriend's mom killed her husband and tried killing herself but failed and is now in jail. I wanted so bad to break away from my "ignore all of my friends from the past" attitude and go console her and be there for her. Knowing our friendship just isn't the same because of my overreactions, she probably doesn't even want me to try to stick around. Best wishes to her..
As I said, I'm better off without them. I've been doing the things that I've always wanted to do but never got to because I always felt burdened over something else. I'm getting my life back on track and it feels good. I've been trying to build a closer relationship with my family because that was always something I couldn't do since my friends got in the way; I'm not saying my friends are telling me not to get along with my family or anything like that, it's just that I'd rather hang with my friends then stick around at home doing nothing. To contradict myself, I actually love staying home doing nothing. My mom's the one who makes me having friends a complicated thing. She always think that they're bad influences on me, when I'm the one who wants to try new things. Either way, none of that really matters anymore. I've been hanging out with Kristyn alot. She's basically my only friend these days. I don't know where I would be without her. She's like that one person in the world who would always be that one clover of four amongst the patches of three when you feel like everyone and thing sucks. I'm starting to be more active like I was before, years ago. My mind is also rejuvenating from the stress and drama that it's been through. I've been trying to hang out with my sister, Linda more, because she's always so jealous that all I do is hang out with Lily versus her, but you know what, she also makes me feel left out when all her attention goes to my brother. I don't want her to think that just because she has cancer means I suddenly want to hang out with her. I want to because I do. I feel that our family needs to get our shit together and stop being so immature, fighting all the time and being smartasses around each other. All I ever wanted was a real family, but we can never really have that. Everytime I wanna hang out, she gives me lip and says, "oh wait, you don't wanna hang out with me, I'm not Lily," blah blah blah. That really annoys me, if I didn't wanna hang out with her, I wouldn't even bother asking. Anyway, we took a roadtrip to Baton Rouge. We also watched movies together, but I still think we need more quality time together on the long run. As for my brother, I don't think anything could be helped in that department.
School started recently. It's my last year of high school (hopefully). I'm taking Physics I (H), Advanced Math I (H), English IV (AP), Western Civilization (H), Biology II (H), Art I, Publications II/Art IV, and Family and Consumer Science. I don't know what college I want to attend yet, but I feel like I won't be able to make it to any. My new goal this year was to stop my procrasination but it's only week 2 and I'm already back to procrasinating. My future plans? I wanna become a chemical engineer under product design. It isn't my dream job, but it was the only one that pays big money. I just hope my potential is persistent so that I can get rich and branch off to photography and writing, and then on the side, open up a bakery, a coffee shop, and an art gallery. Anyway, that's about it.
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